Freaked the Fuck Out

Oh good lord. Saw the breast surgeon today and am now officially freaked out. She’s lovely, but though she confirmed that the tumor is something like 90% smaller (great!), she had to explain all the things that could happen next week. For instance, once she does the removal, they may see more when the tissue is examined, which would mean another operation. OR, if she needs to take more lymph nodes, I may need a drain. OR I could develop lymphedema and have an arm like an elephant’s trunk. I think Ive been pretty calm and collected up until now, but now that the actual procedure is next week, its all becoming too real.

Then we asked about reconstruction, which, if we decide to go with, will have to happen after radiation. Then, of course, there’s the 2nd round of Ibrance, so what I’m facing is seemingly never ending. I realize I’m much better off than a lot of women who have this disease, but I can’t help feeling scared because I don’t know exactly what to expect. It sucks.

The bright spots are that, as usual, everyone is rallying around. Sam was with me, my friends are there and Phillip had a cocktail mixed the minute he got home, bless him. Im going to calm down and take it day by day because that’s all I can do.

Im definitely becoming one of those crazy people to decorate for Christmas early, so I can enjoy them as long as possible and Im not sure how much I’ll be able to do after next week. This weekend it will be Christmas in Connecticut, dammit. And they may stay up till next year at this rate…fuckity, fuckity, fuck, fuck. You feel me?

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