It’s Thursday. I just need to write that down because I normally have no idea what day it is. Ive been in my bubble for 4 weeks and I know nothing. I only “escape” from the house has been the doctors office. I say escape, but I don’t mean it. Im loving being home and being able to rest and nap. Im lucky Im able to recover in such a snug place. I’ll know that Im really better when Im anxious to go out and about. Which is not now.

We went to get drain out on Tuesday as scheduled. Hurt a tiny bit but really nothing. The doctor notice a big bruise across my back which was puzzling, but to me anythings possible. By last night it looked better so just some rando side effect. Was able to take shower yesterday, hallelujah. So that made me feel great. Today Im going to take off dressing. Still tender and uncomfortable but yesterday only took 1 percocet all day, and 2 at night so Im getting there.

Meanwhile, the Magnificent Friends have been feeding us like royalty. Its so funny because at the beginning of this Sam was like “I don’t know if we want food from other people, who knows what they’ll bring” Meanwhile, we’ve had spaghetti and sauce, banana bread, almond cake, grilled chicken and veg, Osso bucco, Chicken chili and Beef Bourguignon. He’s realized my friends are the gourmet meal train and is now plotting to see what other catastrophes we can get into to keep the meals coming, lol.

Oh, dear lord, the tv just said its 16 degrees out there. Again, not leaving bubble so everything ok by me. Milesy off in NJ with girlfriend Meg and got a report that Phillip was shaking cocktails like a pro last night, so happy everyones around and I think this will be a great Christmas!

Ok, so lots of news. DR. called last night with the good news that pathology came back and all is clean. She had taken out 5 more lymph nodes and the were all clear plus remaining margin is good. So that’s obviously really great. Its hard to celebrate because of this stupid drain thats in my way, and I’m uncomfortable, and I tried to clean up which isn’t easy. I removed bandages and it looks like a 10 ton truck hit me squarely under my arm and took a piece with it. Im trying to be upbeat, but I feel shitty. Sam, my in-house saint is taking me to get my hair washed and dried bc I can’t get drain wet and cant really lift my arm. So maybe after that Ill feel better.

When I got home from the hospital, Barb showed up with the most ridiculous gift ever, and named him Ralph. I could not stop laughing. Then this morning Sam got him exercising and I almost fell down when I saw him. He’s worth his weigh in gold just to keep me amused.

I almost forgot to tell you guys about the first night in the hospital. They took me to my room (single, thank god) but I had a neighbor who chose to discuss opera at the top of his lungs at 10pm. Tosca. Do you want to see where my seats were? Heres a clip. What if Mariah Carey sang it? or Whitney Houston? All accompanied by loud clips of singing and him yammering on. So, being who I am, when the nurse comes in I naturally say “WTF is happening over there? Does that nut realize he’s in a HOSPITAL and it’s 10PM????? Evidently the message didn’t not get through until midnight. I think they drugged him just to shut him up, which is what I would have done if I was in charge.

So generally, things going ok. Milesy coming home tomorrow. I think Im going to get drain removed Tuesday and that will make all the difference. OX

Yet true. We get to the hospital at 8:30am on Tuesday. Gave Dr C her reminder which she appreciated

By 10 Im wheeled in. Turns out they take the margin, plus more lymph nodes. Plus a hematoma in my breast THAT WAS THE SIZE OF AN ORANGE. Let’s let that sink in for a moment. And add drain, a whole new level of excitement. So Im in enormous pain, much more than first surgery. Sammy has seen me go every color of the Benjamin Moore white pallate (Alabaster, Decorators White, Intense White). Turns out Im developing ANOTHER hematoma where the lymph nodes were. And am anemic. So next step is to get blood in me. (reverse vladmosis).

So we have to wait for tests etc, long story short, the blood arrives at 1 am, and takes 3 hrs to infuse, so now we’re at 4 am. Nurses in my room every 15/30 minutes so this is where I get to have 2 solid hours of sleep. So when Dr sees me Wed. its determined the second hematoma needs to be dealt with and because its an add on surgery it will be at end of day. Second surgery happens and that actually releases the pain quite a bit because prior to that I was just screaming for percocet and ice. Thursday was feeling better but still anemic so yet another 4 hour transfusion of blood. Now the good news is the nails matched the blood so at least Im coordinated.

By Thursday afternoon was released. Was so happy to be home. We finally watched the Irishman and I stayed up till 9 which I thought was impressive, for any day. Slept right through until 10am so, although still uncomfortable, Im ok. So far so good. Hoping for no more hematomas, drain does its job and pain goes away. I thought Id had enough, but Ive really, really had enough…

So it’s the day before surgery 2. I got money (because why not?) I won a game at the local pharmacy and they had to take my picture with no makeup at 9am (not my finest hour), got my hair and nails done because the inside might be shit, but the outside is going to be banging. Met darling Phillip at bar for a glass of wine, while house was cleaned, and saw Maury and Jeet there. Am now doing laundry and dinner to complete household duties before tomorrow. Because who knows what’s happening after.

Let’s discuss the nails. I got the greatest sparkly red, like ten little parties on my nails. Its amazing how something so simple can make you feel great, like everything can’t be that desperate if your nails look this good. I know its crazy, but there you are. Tell me they aren’t gorgeous.

Im hoping everything goes smoothly. There’s nothing I can do now except pray for the best outcome. Ive gotten a stuffed elephant for the surgeon to have a visual in her head to remind her Im not interested in an elephant arm. Fingers crossed.

Just got phone call from breast surgeon. According to all oncologists involved, I need to have more lymph nodes removed. I understand that they are doing all they can to make sure its all out of me, but this means: definitely having a drain, probably numbness in my lower arm, wearing a sleeve for reducing chance of lymphedema in arm (like an elephant see below)

SO. Another day of shitty news. BUT, I had a wonderful lunch with my friends today. Im going to be positive. Its going to be fine. Im having more wine…

Ok people, here’s the scoop. Yesterday went to see breast surgeon with Sam. Because clearly I retain nothing on the phone. Apparently, I’m still very swollen from surgery one, which will be addressed in surgery two. I was kind of liking it because I looked surprising equal on both sides, but no such luck.

We discussed margins. I thought I knew the story but she made it much clearer. Picture a cube:

That’s the mass, with tumor, that was removed. After mass removed, she goes back and takes tissue from all 6 sides to be analyzed. In the operating room, all looked good, disease was not visible anywhere but in the one node & tumor. The tissue then goes to the pathologist who slices it up in pieces and examines. His findings were that five out of the six sides were normal. So that’s actually good news. The nodes, although healthy looking and negative in OR, had cells in 3. So heres the dilemma, go in and take more nodes which would mean drains and no radiation to that area.

On the other hand, radiation would take care of stray cells in nodes, plus I would be able to have it under my arm, up my neck etc, PLUS in continuing Ibrance, more cells, if any, would be taken care of. I think this is the way it’ll be handled. I think the boobie’s going to be quite deflated after all of this, but that is an ordeal yet to come…

Im doing to speak to Stamford oncologist today, although they’ve all been chatting about my case so hopefully they come up a good plan.

On the upside of all this crap, my niece gave birth to her daughter Rose. She is perfect. I already adore her and can’t wait to get my hands on her. She came right when I needed her to lift up my spirits. Just take a look at this angel:

Also, I told dr about my crazy foray into internet medical charts. She whipped out her phone and brought up her chart, which puts all the variable of my specific case in and came up with: while Im still a stage 3A, my prognosis is actually 1B. So good news there, and I can look forward to spoiling Rosie.

Still scary, but Im getting through it. Hopefully this will be that last I see of the OR for a while.

Last night the Dr called with the pathology report. The margins were not clear, original tumor actually 5.4 cm (size of lime, which puts me squarely in stage 3) plus 3 out of 6 lymph nodes were cancerous and bottom line, more surgery next Tuesday. I’ve had it. I know everything looked great and apparently after surgery, all looked well. But the way Ibrance works is it makes tumors smaller but in an overall sense, if you will. Instead of the whole mass shrinking (like a balloon losing air), its more like swiss cheese, where pockets dissolve. So, tumor is smaller but may take up a larger space.

When pathologists get a look, they can see more microscopically and, thus, the news last night.

First I broke down. Then like an idiot, I looked all this up. There’s a chart on a breast cancer site which shows your chances of BEING ALIVE in 5 years. According to this new wonderful info, I have a 63% chance which threw me in a tailspin. WTF. Then poor old Sam comes home and Im like a blubbering idiot. Then I proceeded to drink an entire bottle of wine, a bag of potato chips and have the worst night sleep ever.

In the light of day, I know I have 2 hospitals behind me, great doctors and, of course my wonderful friends and family. Its terrifying but, as usual, Ill get through it. Im prepared to beat the 63%. Im ready for this to be over.

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m very grateful. I know this is the thing to say today, but I’m REALLY REALLY GRATEFUL. The boobie is looking great. A little bruised and battered, but it’s getting there. Every day I feel a bit better and I’m definitely on the road to recovery. 

I’m so grateful for:

My Doctors – who did a wonderful job

My Family & Friends – who are one and the same and in whom I can always count on for anything

My Boys – all three who treat me like a queen

Percocet – who got me through

Miles got home early, Phillip is constant comic relief and everyone pitched in for Thanksgiving dinner. Much of the cooking was done yesterday, Thank God, because we woke up today with NO FUCKING POWER. Fantastic. We have a generator and that was pumping away so we didn’t miss a beat cooking the dinner. 

We are all looking forward to watching the Saints tonight. I’m home, I’m healthy-ish, I’m happy. I hope all of your families have a wonderful Thanksgiving and can savor being together, along with the pies. Love to you all. OX

Hola everyone. It Sunday morning and Im icing and all is ok. Evidently the doctor said everything went as well as it possibly could. Which is great news. We arrived at hospital at 6:00am and what a joy that was. Got all prepped and met my anathesiologist. Whose name was Vlad. I kid you not, my tumor and my Dr have the same name. Sammy said it’s a Tale of Two Vlads. I told him the story and showed him the pic of my Vlad and I don’t think he knew how to take it. 🙂 Here he is in all his glory…

He did a great job because I don’t remember much after he left the room. They took 3-4 nodes, which is great because no drain, no elephant arm. Ive been wearing a crazy compression bra so I don’t know what the damage is until I take a shower today. Fingers crossed. I have to say everyone a Norwalk Hospital was very kind and though I don’t remember much, I remember it was an easy experience all around.

Yesterday I just relaxed, read and iced all day. Phillip George got me gorgeous flowers, Barb came over with a huge container of pasta and a basket from Denise that I haven’t even looked at yet. Great news, Miles is coming home TODAY. I was able to change his flight and he’s arriving 3 days early.

Well, the worst is over. I just wanted to let everyone know Im still kicking and still alive. More when I see what the damage is. Thanks for keeping up and thanks for being there. Love to you all.

This morning I had to be at the radiation section of Norwalk Hospital at 7:30. Was waiting for Barb, who totally misunderstood the timing and she came rounding the corner at 7:10. We drove like a bat out of hell to the facility and was sure if the cancer didn’t get me, Barbs driving would. The good news is she had me hysterical laughing the whole way so I wasn’t as nervous as I was at 1:30 this morning when I was up.

I had a chip inserted. Another procedure where you are put in the mammogram machine, and while compressed like a pancake, a lidocaine shot goes in, then the chip is inserted through the needle to help Dr. C see where to cut. It was the worst because you’re compressed, and they’re looking at images, checking records…I’m like, “Hi. Still in machine…care to hurry this along?” I also had to go this afternoon to the hospital to get an injection of radioactive dye which comes in an old green metal box that looks like it’s from WWII.

In between, came home and finished up Xmas cards, and Mary C dropped off a bunch of books for recovery and a “Necessity Bag” from a group in town. It included pillows made by Methodist women so I’m all set. Maury dropped off the MOST adorable lamb hot/cold wrap and a cozy throw, and Evie brought more books so I’m ready to spend the month reading! I’ve had a million messages and everyone is so thoughtful, I’m feeling the love going into tomorrow.