Yesterday I had to take GMA to the doctors to get a pain management shot in her back. Sam and I had just returned Sunday from weekend to spend a couple of days on Long Island with friends. Gma clearly was not happy we were away. And in her usual way, drama ensued. She’s like a giant, damp blanket that descends on your head.

She gets in the car and pronounces “WELL, it was a HORRIBLE weekend! I spent the whole weekend STARVING. I would NEVER leave a family member with no food! I looked in the refrigerator and I HAD NO NOURISHMENT.” (Actual words if you can believe it)

So as this barrage is raining down, Im sitting there dumbfounded. I ask “Why didnt Maria (her helper who comes every Thursday) go to the store?” “Well, we were doing other things.” Never mind that I pay her to shop for food. Then I say “Do you not have a phone? Could you not call for delivery?” To which I get “I shouldn’t have to spend money on delivery.” I reply, “If you don’t have anything, order, Ill pay” “That’s not the point…I shouldn’t be alone for 5-6 days (I was gone 3). Needless to say, Im organizing Meals on Wheels and I told her if she keeps this up she’ll be in a home quicker that you can say “You’re torturing me.”

After the appointment I had to get supplemental things for her and proceeded to buy an entire chocolate cake to salve my wounds.

Why am I roasting?

Went for check up yesterday. All going well. Levels are all vaguely normal, a bit low but still ok. They asked if there have been any side effects and the main one is caused by the Letrizole. I wake up in the middle of the night. Roasting.

Im sleeping, everything fine, then I’m up, throwing off covers and trying to cool off like a maniac. Then I cant get back to sleep because IM UP. Then the schedule is off for the day and I’ll drop down to nap at the drop of a hat. Good times being had by one and all.

My friend Susan came with me to my appointment and then kidnapped me and brought me to East Hampton for the weekend. Sammy is joining tonight and we can have a beachy weekend for Fathers Day. We love staying with Susan and Mila because its always relaxing and we’ve been going there forever. Its our beach house away from home 🙂

Hopefully the roast will not last the whole treatment. It’ll turn to leather.

Friday night we were home and wanted to watch something new on tv. I had another rough day with GMA and I was done. Id heard about Ricky Gervais’ show called After Life. Innocent as you please, because I really hadn’t heard anything about the premise of the show, we started episode 1. We ended up binging the entire season and I was bawling my head off. And I don’t cry.

The show examines the grief of a husband (Ricky) after the death of his wife from Breast Cancer. There are videos sprinkled through each episode of Rickys wife telling him how to go on after she’s gone. Although the whole show is fantastic, its these snippets of their relationship that really pull me. Their marriage was strong and fun.

All I could think of was Sam and our marriage. I think its rare to really find your person. The person who you can be yourself with. The one who laughs at all your stupid jokes and knows all your references. The one who really loves you. I have been so fortunate to have him in my life, for most of my life. We met when we were 20 and have been together ever since. He is the kindest person I know and also the funniest. He makes me laugh every day. Although my situation is different, I KNOW Ill beat this, the videos touched me. Rickys wife wants him to enjoy life and move on. All I could think about is everything she said, I would say to Sam. Its a peculiar place to be, to actually face that your life is not infinite. That, although we know there’s an end, we blithely travel through our lives, knowing that tomorrow will always be there. But this show makes you look at what happens when tomorrow is not assured and the effect a death has on loved ones. Gervais has a gift for capturing real feelings while also shining a light on some of the small ridiculous things that give people hope and happiness.

All through this, Ive seen how much the people in my world love me, and how much I love them. Thats another thing we take for granted, our friendships. We have people move through our lives and rarely examine the relationships we have with them. Its all these relationships, if your lucky enough to have them, that makes a life rich and important.

Of all my relationships, Sam is my favorite, which is good because he’s the husband. Im blessed to have him, even though he makes me garden when I don’t want to. But then he pulls out a monster weed like a boss. And makes me laugh.

Today I got my nails done. First I get the pedicure, with fab new polish called Throw me a Kiss. Pale sparkly pink that looks so pretty. Now we move over to get nails done. I sit down and my manicurist has some kind of thing in a bottle.

Im thinking its bean sprouts in water. And as I watch, each strand slowly falls down. Look at the bottom…they all slowly fell down. Its mesmerizing, yet disgusting. Plus Im thinking who the hell is drinking bean sprouts in water. Then Im thinking what if its NOT bean sprouts? WHAT IN GODS NAME IS IT???? Then I look around and everyone else has tea. Or coffee. Or water. No strange floaty things. No, no. Only my girl.

Then had a great lunch with a bunch of friends. One has moved away and came for a visit which provided us all a great excuse to get together and have fun. Its always special to spend time together, plus we had awesome salads of which I had 2 portions each, though how after seeing the bottle I could eat is a mystery.

Now watching Godzilla. Because thats the mood Im in.

Yesterday I got a package.

Eleven years ago Phillip was in middle school and he met the new kid from the UK. They became fast friends and eventually our two families all became friends. They are a great, fun group. The best part was, when they first met, Phillips friend looked just like Oliver Twist and I tortured this poor kid by making him say “Please sir, may I have some more” EVERY TIME HE CAME OVER. How he can even talk to me is a mystery.

They have moved back to the UK so we cant get together as much as we like. We still keep in touch and weirdly when we were in Florida on vacation, they were there too. We were sad because although we were in the same state we were too far to meet. BUT, they schlepped Cadbury chocolate all the way over, because they feel its the universal cure. So then they mailed it, while its 100 degrees out. The chocolate decided it couldn’t handle the trip. It arrived as above.

I love it and I love them. I love that they thought about me. I love that its chocolate. I love all my friends who have shown me so much love and support. If nothing else, this rotten disease has shown me what a strong network I have.

Today I drove Miles to the airport for his summer internship in Chicago. Im annoyed because what kind of internship lasts until the end of summer so the intern cant see his mother before returning to school? God. Damn. It. However, I know he has a million adventures ahead of him and he’s going to have a blast.

Meanwhile, here’s the latest GMA story. Beginning around 10 years ago, I started taking Gma on vacation because thats the only way she’d get away. As we know, she very high maintenance and during each trip I barely keep myself from killing her. We’ve gone through staying in the same room (bad idea) to separate rooms (better idea) and now there’s the addition of the wheelchair. Several months ago I booked rooms in Kennebunkport, MA, where we went last year. But after the diagnosis, Ive been thinking the whole thing may be too much. Its a 5 hr ride without all the bathroom stops, and I booked it for 6 days, far too long.

Yesterday I took her to Dr who determined she has bronchitis, and her knee is bothering her. So she mentions maybe we should cancel trip. Today I call, and say I think its right to cancel the trip to Maine and perhaps go somewhere closer for a shorter time because we booked it months ago, before what’s going on now. To which I get the reply “But Deborah Ann, its the only time I get away, and Ive told my friends about it, and what’s going on???” I say, Cancer! Cancer! I HAVE CANCER!!! She says, “Oh, ok, we’ll go where you want to.” AAARRGGHHH. Suffice to say Ive just eaten HALF of one of those bars above…

See above. Thats me. The past couple of days, 3pm comes along and I decide to sleep for 3 hours at a shot. Now God knows I love naps more than normal people, but this is ridiculous. I lay down and am just thrilled to be in the bed. More thrilled than usual. My energy level is just not there. We took a walk yesterday and was half way through and needed a snack and my nap.

Saw GP today and she thinks this is just my body getting used to the meds. Lets just hope that’s true and Im not going to sleep the next 6 months away. Celebrating Sam and Milseys birthdays tonight so hopefully Ill stay awake through the meal…

Yesterday was second biopsy. My friend Mary graciously took me for the day (evidently only Marys are allowed to take me) and had blood drawn again (not bad, only 2 vials) then wandered around and had lunch before the procedure. Different doctor this time with a underdeveloped sense of humor. She asked if I had a lot of bleeding with the first procedure and I said no, but if I do now we know it will be your fault. She became apoplectic and said “No it Wont!” Jesus , Mary and Joseph, calm the fuck down.

During the last procedure the doctor went in and, 1, 2, 3, he had his samples. This one first doesn’t give me enough numbing so Im jumping out of the chair, then she’s rooting around in there like she’s looking for a prize in the bottom of a cereal box. THEN she decapitates Vlad. It was all too much. Finally it was over and she gives me her card and says “Here’s my cell, but I normally don’t pick up” Thank you. That makes me feel better. Dumbass. So Im still icing and laying low. That’s the last of the biopsies thank God, and Ive started the trial drug which will continue for 6 months.

So a little sore today, but moving along. I have the guy here fixing the ice machine which has been down for 2 months. He just said Oy. Thats not a good sign…Meanwhile when all is said and done this this will cost about $600. Wait, now the wires are too short and the new part cant be put in and we have to call the home office. Help me.

We snuck in a weeks vacation in between my biopsies, which actually worked out perfectly because it was the only week both boys will be home all summer. We went to Key West and had a great time.

We stayed at a resort away from the action because it was near the local beach. What we didn’t realize was its a man-made beach, and the men were making it while we were there. See below

Another thing was that there was a ton of seaweed accumulated and you literally had to wade through it. I don’t really love lakes, because of all the unknown down below. This was reminiscent of that, but I kept my cool and just pretended I was having a seaweed wrap at the spa…

So the next day we stayed by the pool. We started noticing that most of the servers in town were Eastern European. Everyone was very nice except for our crazy pool lady whom we christened Ludmilla. When you went up to get a towel she’s like “You want towel????” “Where’s your card?” “Leaving for the beach??” “Room Number?” She held on to those towel cards like free tickets to the Krakow Train Station. God help us if we came up short. I was scared.

During the week we went to a museum with a Haunted Doll and a great hearse (for future reference) Toured a Turtle Hospital and went on a dolphin cruise. We really got to see a lot of things

The best part was relaxing with my boys and Phillip’s big thing was getting a genuine Panama hat. Sam got one too and the pair of them were a sight running around the island. We had great time in the bars and restaurants. We also toured Hemingways House and went to the oldest bar down there, Captain Tonys.

Tomorrow it’s back to reality. Phillip leaves for the UK for a month on Wednesday and Miles leaves next week for the summer in Chicago. Happily my husband stays here. Its a great start to the summer.

Just a quick to share my Mothers Day Gifts. I love them. OX

Its 3:30am and Im up. Had first biopsy for the trial yesterday and am still sore. I was going to go on my own to this appointment, but my friend Mary, whose smarter than I am, came with me. First was the blood letting…4 vials for baseline tests. Met with Dr. L and got my whole schedule of appointments through November.

Then we had some time so we wandered around Stamford and had a lovely lunch outside because it was a beautiful day. I had a delish hamburger. And onion rings. Because I could.

Then off to get the biopsy. With me was the ultrasound tech, nurse, Dr from trial, Dr to perform biopsy. Layed on a table so ultrasound could begin. When we looked at the pics I realized my cancer mysteriously resembles a bat..which, is now named Vlad.

Next,the Dr numbs the area, inserts needle DEEP in there because that’s where Vlad resides. Then another needle goes in and you hear clicking when they retrieve bits of Vlad for testing. Once they got 4 samples, they’re flash frozen to be sent to Boston so they can slice up the samples to examine cells. I then started Letrizole which Ill be taking for the next 2 weeks and the another biopsy to see progress. I was grateful that I had a ride. Sometimes you just have to admit you can’t do it by yourself.

Came home and iced. Miles made dinner and Phillip made cocktails and it was as good as it could be. Im going to try and go back to bed. My schedule is crazy.