Oh good lord. Saw the breast surgeon today and am now officially freaked out. She’s lovely, but though she confirmed that the tumor is something like 90% smaller (great!), she had to explain all the things that could happen next week. For instance, once she does the removal, they may see more when the tissue is examined, which would mean another operation. OR, if she needs to take more lymph nodes, I may need a drain. OR I could develop lymphedema and have an arm like an elephant’s trunk. I think Ive been pretty calm and collected up until now, but now that the actual procedure is next week, its all becoming too real.

Then we asked about reconstruction, which, if we decide to go with, will have to happen after radiation. Then, of course, there’s the 2nd round of Ibrance, so what I’m facing is seemingly never ending. I realize I’m much better off than a lot of women who have this disease, but I can’t help feeling scared because I don’t know exactly what to expect. It sucks.

The bright spots are that, as usual, everyone is rallying around. Sam was with me, my friends are there and Phillip had a cocktail mixed the minute he got home, bless him. Im going to calm down and take it day by day because that’s all I can do.

Im definitely becoming one of those crazy people to decorate for Christmas early, so I can enjoy them as long as possible and Im not sure how much I’ll be able to do after next week. This weekend it will be Christmas in Connecticut, dammit. And they may stay up till next year at this rate…fuckity, fuckity, fuck, fuck. You feel me?

Well, you would THINK having said prince would help while having my second breast MRI but sadly, not so much. I think it slightly relaxed me but I was still laying on that crazy table, wondering about how much I should breathe etc. Its a rotten, miserable test (see previously posted, detailed blog) and I hate it. The poor, poor nurses that have to have me in that machine. Im a cranky horrible patient whenever Im there bc it’s just so uncomfortable. But, whatever. I got find out some super news though. Evidently Ill have to have one of these once a year. I’m doubling up on the valium and Mary’s going to have to wheel me out of there next time.

After, we went to get breakfast and I had a delish omelette and much needed coffee. Mary L. was with me the whole time. I know Ive said this a million times before but Im so grateful for the women in my life and how they’ve made this journey manageable. Mary also took me to a cancer recovery center last week to check it out and do a yoga class. She, of course, looked like a pretzel in all the poses while I was just trying not to fall over (as usual). Its a very nice place, but I think Im going to check out Ann’s Place which is right here in town and has a lot of classes and more counseling resources. I may try to get there before my surgery, but the time is getting close and I’ll see if I can get it together to get over there.

It snowed today, just a dusting but enough to remind me what’s coming. By the time we got home, my sweet prince kicked in and I had a lovely nap. Best part of the day 🙂

This was my favorite time of year…Halloween. Poor old Sam had to add, once again, to our cable bill because one of my favorite channels, TCM, had been moved to another package and I’m desperate for it at Halloween because they play all the best old horror movies. I then proceeded to tape 20 movies, The Curse of Frankenstein, Die, Monster Die, Freaks, The Wolf Man, House of Dracula etc. Its worth every penny. Ive been sitting here, catching up on my knitting and wallowing in horror. Add a fire and a glass of wine and it may just be paradise.

Ive seen them all a million times, doesn’t matter because I can watch them a million more. I feel like I know all the characters and I feel comfy, like they’re old friends. Not only does Sam have to pay for the channel, he also has to suffer through watching all the movies. I married a saint.

Am relaxing this week getting prepared for the next two weeks of drs and tests. But at least I have Dracula to keep me company…

Saw the oncologist last week and date is set for surgery on November 22. Its actually a good date because the boys will be home, Sam can take Thanksgiving week off and I won’t have to cook! I’ll have to have more tests done beforehand and am starting to organize them now. One of the oncologists suggestions was to go to an acupuncturist and he recommended one in Stamford. Coincidentally, one of his suggested drs was having a cancer symposium this week.

Sam and I went and it was very interesting. Dr. Katy is all about integrative medicine encompassing diet, exercise, acupuncture and spirituality. Im anxious to meet her but cannot get in to see her until Jan 30, so that’s a bummer. Im interested in finding out alternative ways to take care of myself, and hopefully get some help for back pain etc that doesn’t involve more shots.

Meanwhile, I took a walk this morning with Mary and stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee and sandwich on the way home. Can we please discuss how and when to eat a jelly donut? I was waiting for my coffee to appear and there was a woman standing right in front of the station eating a jelly donut, waiting for the rest of her order. Im just standing there, innocent as you please, watching this nut eat this donut, jelly dripping all over, her licking it. Can we just take all that home and not have to share the entire jelly donut experience with everyone. Unless you’re five, then you can do whatever you want with your donut. Evidently I’m cranky before coffee and am easily irritated by badly behaved coffee buying people. MMWWWAAAHHH.

On the road again this weekend. Sammy and I left for Pittsburgh Friday morning. The primary reason for the visit was my nieces baby shower and also just to catch up with everyone there. We left early, made good time and we were there in just over 7 hours. Time for a small rest then out with friends for dinner. The big news of the evening was that one of them was diagnosed with cancer. Its so scary. Everything will be fine, but hearing it from others makes you terrified for them, even though you have it yourself. It feels like half the world is being diagnosed. I know its an exaggeration, but that’s what it feels like. So though it was a bombshell, we had a lovely time and we were so happy to get to see them.

Next day was the baby shower, which was adorable and Tim Burton’s Nightmare before Christmas themed. Taylor got everything under the sun and I think she’s 100% ready for Rose’s arrival, at least as far as equipment is concerned. Lots of her friends, colleagues and family were there and she was glowing.

Next day was more paperwork with the sister-in-law regarding probate, where a good time was had by all. Then we went to see exhibit on mummies from all over the world, which was great. Very informative and spooky for the season. Then dinner out to catch up with the in-laws.

Meanwhile, lets discuss how people are completely in their own little worlds without a thought for any one else. Case in point, we go to get a coffee. Walk in the place and a woman is standing where the line would be, but not ordering and staring into space. Good. We ask if she’s in line and she looks at us like we asked her to get a lobotomy, which clearly she needed. No, says she, so off we go and order. She then gets a coffee after us and stands in front of the coffee prep station, right in the middle, so no one else can get anything for their coffee for 5 minutes while she puts a little coffee, a little creamer, a little sugar, SWISHES IT AROUND IN CUP, and repeats over and over. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Then Friday night when we were having dinner with our friends, we were having a drink at the bar and one of the waiters starts yelling at this woman because apparently she comes in every night, orders a childs meal, then harasses the staff if its not ready on time. So that was a scene. Then Saturday, at a TOTALLY DIFFERENT RESTAURANT, she comes back in and orders the childs meal to go. who am I to say, but I think she was a nut.

Then came the ride home. My highly clairvoyant husband says “I don’t think everyone has Columbus Day off (they do) so lets not go home through New Jersey, lets go the longer way through PA up to CT.” What he didn’t foresee was the 2 hour back up and the driving tour of Lake Wallenpaupack that ensued. We had to go completely by the lake following 18 wheelers. Unfortunately we missed Claws “N” Paws wild animal park, which I sure would have just topped off the trip. All in all, it took us 10 hours to get home and one of us (me) was cranky. Also we stopped at Cracker Barrel (please don’t ask) and had 2 old ladies stare us down through our whole meal of sodium infused home cooking’. UGH.

Long story long, we’re home for the duration now and though Im glad we saw everyone and had some great visits, I’m happy to be home. Sam needs to rest his leg, and I just need to rest and Im done being in the car for a while! The only thing I’m going to miss is seeing the arrival of that baby, but Ill rely on FaceTime to get me through. 🙂

Spent the weekend with our baby in NOLA. I love New Orleans. I love the architecture, I love the food, I love the people. When I’m there I feel like I’m home. I was so happy to see Milesy. He’s doing so well. And we got to spend more time with Meg, who’s just lovely.

The only bad part was that it was 100 degrees, or at least felt like it. I would step outside and within 5-10 min I looked like someone washed me down with a hose. Whats fascinating is there are some people that look completely fine and do not get drenched the minute they step outside.

We did a lot of fun things though. We went to Scales and Ales which is a fun event at the Aquarium. We went to Beignet Fest where it was ONE THOUSAND degrees and we almost died. We had a lot of great meals including lunch at Antoines which is my favorite. We also got to get together with all of Milesy friends and I love them all. They are a great group and they’re all so sweet. Look at them. Just look.

Meanwhile, Susan came with us and we all had a blast hanging together. She visited her godmother and I think really enjoyed getting to know the city. She understands why I love it.

I was a little slower during the trip. Lots of ubers and naps, and Ive been fighting a small cold since we got back. Have been laying low and getting ready to go to Pittsburgh for my nieces baby shower. Lots happening, and Im just trying to keep up…and out of the Pit of Misery.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was a good one. First of all, not dead, so yay for that. I spent the beginning of the day doing normal things; pain management Dr (who said shots in back are not doing trick so Im off to try acupuncture), grocery shopping, laundry. I got taken out to lunch by Mary C. and had a dinner celebration at home with Sam and Phillip and GMA and I was thrilled to raise over $1100 for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. I really had never heard of this fundraising option through Facebook and when it popped up I figured Meh, lets give it a shot. Im so happy that so many people donated to this wonderful cause because Im so grateful to have the exceptional care and drugs to fight this, while other women (and men) do not.

Forgot to write about crazy GMA last week. I was in a really foul mood and she calls to say “She’s bringing something over” at 6 pm. Thank god Phillip was home and he headed her off at the pass. She gave him a bag and left. So we get the bag in the house and there’s a big bunch of mums (nice), 2 bags of potatoes (?) and her wallet. So Phillip has to return said wallet, and he brings the potatoes back bc THATS a weird combo to bring over, but whatever. She says, “No, no the potatoes are yours. The display was so nice I thought your mother would like them.” Can someone explain how potatoes would elicit such a reaction? Help me.

Then Eileen came for 5 days from Atlanta and we had a wonderful time. We hung out, saw the Downton Abbey movie (main purpose of visit and we both agree we’d like to live right inside that movie), started new knitting projects, went in NYC to meet her sister and really had fun. We saw a play called Betrayal with Tom Hiddleson. He was great, play was sad and a little stilted but interesting. Plus we saw a woman with earring that were goldfish in a bag, if you can imagine such a thing. I don’t care what anyone says, that’s class. Plus, my little pyromaniac husband got to make the first fire of the season over the weekend and he was thrilled.

This week taking it easy. Phillip is starting a new job at a local pub. Tonight is the opening and he’s nervous, but Im sure it will be fine. His gimlet game has definitely been brought up a notch. Next week heading out to NOLA to see the baby son, so Im sure Ill be exhausted, but cant wait to see him after so long. Looking forward to seeing all his friends and having some great meals and Susan is coming to see her godmother so it will be a party!

Thats how I feel. Saw poor Dr L today and let him have it. Ive had a series of yeast infections and UTIs that have flattened me. Im now on second round of antibiotics because latest UTI has decided it wants to stay forever. My back hurts, Im crampy and Im done. I had a mini breakdown because I just feel so shitty.

Our neighbors came over for dinner last night and we were discussing what could be the issue. According to DR. today, its because treatment is squeezing every drop of estrogen out of my system which is making me like a barren desert. So therefore, susceptible to every infection on earth. The only thing that will help, evidently, is a vaginal suppository EVERY DAY which sounds like I may just kill myself now and get it over with.

Other than that, treatment is still going well. Tumor continues to soften and shrink. Dr very happy, even when Im telling him how miserable I am. Schedule is now back to surgery in November, so probably right before Thanksgiving.

Good news: Phillip is starting his new bartender job this upcoming week. Miles accepted an offer to work in Chicago after graduation at Marathon Capital where he interned over the summer. Eileen is coming today to take my mind off things and I just took Advil so hopefully that will kick in. Later there’ll be alcohol, so there’s that…ugh.

Yesterday went to the cardiologist. Just a check up and he’s adorable, so all good. Happily heart is still ticking. Interesting tidbit, while in the office found out about three people who’ve survived BC. It seems as though it’s everywhere. But its great to hear stories of survival and, as I’ve mentioned, its as though you’re in this weirdo club. Its a totally shitty club, but Im in it, so there you go.

We had a lovely weekend for Labor Day. We went to spend it with our friends Susan & Mila’s. Its always a relaxing time and Sam got to baby his knee and Phillip came out too so we all had a fun time. I drove both ways and its a miracle we arrived anywhere. Never do I realize I hate people more than when Im driving. Cant people stay in their lanes? Cant they not cut me off? Cant they just leave me the fuck alone? ARGHHH. My husband is very calm and just lets me rant at all the stupid people. He’s so good.

Then back to the regular. GMA regaled me with how she was alone all weekend. ALONE. Oy. Also Meals on Wheels is a problem. The bread is soggy. The meals are small. Good times being had by one and all. So that needs sorted. Everyday a new challenge.

Yesterday Sam had meniscus surgery on his knee, poor thing. The surgery went very well and he was great yesterday but today he’s feeling the pain. Hopefully in a couple days he’ll feel better. He’s walking around, slightly and trying to do the bike to loosen up his knee.

I saw Dr. L, the oncologist, this morning. All going really well. He says Im making it look effortless. I don’t know about that but Im happy that everything going well and continuing to shrink. Got some news. I told him we had scheduled my surgery for Nov 15, but it seems that I have to wait 40 days after the last of the Ibrance to have the procedure. Which now puts it around Christmastime. But he said I could wait until the first week in January, approx. So there we are. Then we wait and do 3-5 weeks radiation. Then more Ibrance.

Im now sitting here with the invalid and my crazy son who has us watching Deliverance. I’ve actually never seen it and Im scared.

Its over and all Ill say is Ill never trust Burt Reynolds with my travel plans